I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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