the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
