I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
