I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize