I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
