just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
