No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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