ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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