At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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