i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize