I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
