I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
