she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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