ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize