I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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