I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I would ride that face into the sunset
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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