Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
