she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
