i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
