she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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