my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
