Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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