My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
