my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
