apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
