He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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