My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
