When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
