Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
