Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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