I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
