Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
