My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
