Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
