I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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