Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
if only i could text you this smell
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize