I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
