Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
