I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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