If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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