i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
