Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I look better un-naked...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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