I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
