Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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