Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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