listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize