Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
