so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
