He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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