Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
