Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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