I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
