My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
