dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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