He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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