I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
