Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
