I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
