i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
3 2 1 whiskey
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
