I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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