My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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