you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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