Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
