some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I checked into jail on foursquare
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
