My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize