remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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