i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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