I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
