every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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