I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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